The Day We Met Our Children

I haven't taken much time to blog this last week because well, I have waited a long time to be with my children and I am soaking up every moment.  I have fallen asleep with them each night and waken up to their faces next to mine and their hands reaching out for me.  I have napped next to them most days too.  Even though I want to share this part of  the journey with all of you, I haven't pulled myself away from the kids enough to do that, and I know you understand. At the same time though, I really want to blog because in the future, I want to be able to look back and see all that God has done and so I will take the time when I can and continue to write.

Our children are simply amazing.  We could not imagine things going any better.  There is definitely a connection with our kids and has been since day one.  At times, it feels like we have known each other for a long time and at other moments, I realize how very much I do not know about them or about being their mom.  We have been surprised at how well the kids transitioned into our care.

We first met them on Sunday, December 14th.  They were brought to the hotel we were staying at and we met them in the lobby.  They walked in with the bears we sent them over a year ago in hand (And let me tell you those bears have been well loved!). They stared at us for a couple of seconds before their social worker got out the picture albums we sent and asked them who they saw in the pictures and did it look like us.  They both nodded.  Marc got out a couple of small cars and we sat down, right in the middle of the lobby and pushed the cars toward them.  They smiled at us and pushed them back. 

Then we got out some bouncy balls, not sure the social workers thought that was the best activity for the lobby so they asked if we wanted to go up to our room.  Which we were very glad to do, kind of crazy to meet your children for the first time in a large hotel lobby with onlookers all around. Not a big deal though, because as soon as we saw our children everything else faded into the background.

Once we got to our room we got out some large balloons we brought with us and Marc started blowing them up.  Thankfully the hotel we were staying at had a very large living room, so there was plenty of room to play. The kids loved the balloons and we spent the better part of the next hour playing with the balloons and chasing the kids around the room.   Marc laid down on the floor at one point and both kids climbed on his back.  He got up and started crawling around the room and we heard the best sound, giggles and laughter. Our kids have never known a dad, not even a foster dad since their foster mom was a widow.  They LOVE Marc and its as if they know they need a dad.  They are so eager for his love and attention.

After this time in our room, we left to walk across the street for lunch.  Our kids both wanted us to carry them and then sat on our laps at the restaurant.  They shared a meal of fried rice and ate just about every last piece of rice. We walked back to our room and spent another hour or so playing before it was time to go. 

We rode with the social workers to the kid's foster home, which is about an hour outside of Bangkok.  We passed through the city of Bangkok and made our way into a much more rural part of the country, a city surrounded by rice fields.  It was surreal to meet the kids' foster mom, just as it was to meet them.  We have been looking at each other's pictures for 17 months and to finally meet was wonderful.  Their foster mom seems like a very sweet and caring woman and we are so grateful for the love and care she has given our children. 

It is a very different feeling on this side of things.  I know her grief and pain, at even the thought of goodbye, well.  We gave her some photo gifts we had made for her and she couldn't stop smiling looking at them.  We told her that our kids will always know that she loves them, that we will send pictures, and bring them back to visit. 

As we said goodbye the kids wanted us to hold them and didn't want us to put them down, truly God had already begun to knit our hearts together. 

A week has passed since this first day we met and tomorrow we will pick up the kids' visas at the U.S. Embassy, head to the airport and board a plane for America.  We have had a wonderful three weeks here in Thailand, but are looking forward to coming home.  Home for Christmas.

I will write more about the last week when I can!

Tasting the Sweeetness

*I wrote this five days ago, but have not had a chance to post it yet.  I have a lot of blogging to catch up on, we will see if or when that happens!

On the flight over to Thailand I started a new book, one I have been waiting to read and bought knowing I wanted to read on this trip.  This book, in the title alone, sums up so much of how I feel about our journey.  Every Bitter Thing is Sweet. My heart is overwhelmed with sweetness this trip, with seeing things once bitter become sweet. 

I am only a couple of chapters in, but if you have experienced anything bitter in your life, I think you would enjoy this book.  If you are hungering for something more, for some kind of meaning in the bitter you have experienced, the words in this book, along with the list of Scripture references at the end of every chapter, will speak to your soul.

I have walked through some bitter days in my life, some I may never write about, others I must. 

Most of you know that I fostered four precious children long term when I was living in Thailand back in 2002-2008.  I cared for two of these children for four years and two of them for two years.  They were my children and I loved them with every part of my being.  I would have given my life for them, I still would.  I loved them as much as I can ever imagine loving a child.  Each of my foster children came to me with some challenges - physical, medical, emotional. We went through a lot together, those kids and I, perhaps the biggest thing we went through though, was saying goodbye.  I would have adopted each one of them if I could have but for lots of reasons I was not able to, the biggest reason perhaps being that I knew that was not God’s plan for them or for me.  I didn’t understand it then, but I understand it a little more now. 

This trip is about meeting our children, but it has also been about reconnecting and visiting two of these precious children that I called my own. 

Bittersweet.  We called that time, the day they met their forever parents and transitioned into their care, bittersweet. I knew it was sweet, but to me, at that time, it felt mostly bitter.  I can remember the difficult moments of goodbye like it was yesterday.  The pain in my heart, the looks in their eyes.  I had to keep telling myself this was God’s plan and it was good, but it didn’t feel good. 

When we landed in Bangkok last week we were met by one of my foster children and her dad.  We had a very brief visit because we are doing some traveling before we head back to Bangkok to spend a couple of days with this sweet little one, my little peanut, I always called her.  She has changed so much.  She has a head full of curly hear, she speaks English with a British accent and she has a dad, to name a few ways.  That is something she never had with me, a dad.  She had a heavenly Father, a very real heavenly Father, but she had no one to teach her what having a father is all about.  Seeing her there with her dad, it was confirmation to my soul that she is right where she needs to be.  As I type this, I am on a plane heading back for my longer visit with her and her family. I am so looking forward to reconnecting with my little peanut.

An aquarium my foster kids loved looking at.

From Bangkok we flew to Chiang Mai.  This was where I lived for six years and it felt like coming home.  We were met at the airport in CM by a dear friend of mine and her sweet daughter.  We lived together for a couple of years there.  We stopped and got a bowl of noodles on the way to their house.  Yes, it felt like coming home. 

We spent three full days up in CM.  It was a wonderful time of reconnecting with dear friends, people that are more like family to me than friends.  It was interesting to be back there no longer single and childless. 

We went to some of the places I had frequented with my children.  Places I always went with a double stroller and a baby carrier.  It’s crazy that another six years have passed.  Now I am married and have only days left of being childless. 

 

God’s plan is good.  At times it is difficult to understand and at times it feels bitter, but in the end, especially in the ultimate end, it is good, always good.

From Chiang Mai we flew down south to Hat Yai.  Hat Yai is home to another of my foster daughters and her family.  Seeing this little one again after six years, well as you can imagine stirred up so many things, but as I reflect, most of all it stirred up joy and contentment.  Joy because she is happy and healthy and very well attached to her family. Contentment because I know she is exactly where she is supposed to be.  God picked out the perfect family for her in oh so many ways.  This sweet girl had the biggest challenges of all my foster kids to overcome.  And do you know what?  She has overcome so many of them and God is not finished with her yet.  I could tell during my short days with her that His hand has continued to rest on her and heal her.  She has the most nurturing mother and a house full of siblings to love on and care for her.  She has flourished in this home. She is not my child anymore, she is theirs…though we do all recognize that ultimately she is His, it was sweet to see that she belongs in this family.

From Hat Yai we flew to Krabi. A short and very sweet little get away before heading back to Bangkok to visit with my other foster daughter and her family and to meet our children.  I will try to write separately about this time because I have lots of amazing pictures to share. We have pictures of all of our trips and of course there are so many details I could share, but so many of these moments are too much to write about and some almost too sacred to share. 

In Krabi we were surrounded by some of His most beautiful creations and throughout our time there I was in awe of Him.  In awe of His creation and His master plan. 

 

What He has shown me most of all through this last week of travel and the quick time in the airport in Bangkok and the times in Chiang Mai and Hat Yai is that He is delights in making the bitter sweet.  Even the most bitter of moments, such as saying goodbye to my foster children, He can make sweet.  He has a plan, always, He has a plan.  A plan for our good and His glory.  I feel His presence so near to me, like He is holding my hand and giving me glimpses into His story and reminding me that He is good.

*And indeed the most bitter thing in my life has become sweet.  I am a mom! Will definitely be writing more about that later.

Overwhelmed with Thankfulness

Somehow its been over a month since I have written.  There is SO much that I could write about and so much to fill all of you dear blog readers up on!

First of all, I have to say that as Thanksgiving approaches this week, I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for all that God has done and is doing in our lives. This morning, singing in church and tonight, when we had Thanksgiving dinner with our church family, I felt so overwhelmed by God's faithfulness.  We sang this song, "Never once did I ever walk alone, never once did you leave me on my own.  God you are faithful.  God you are faithful."

There have certainly been times in my life, most recently in the infertility journey, where I felt alone, but like I have written about here before, sometimes you have to remind yourself of the facts when you are having feelings that are not true.  Never once, never, did I walk alone.  God was with me at every doctor's appointment.  He was with us when we got our diagnosis and every night I cried myself to sleep, He was there.  And you know what?  He had a plan all along.  He didn't want my husband and I to wait and adopt in another 5-10 years, He wanted us to adopt now. He wanted us to be parents to our two precious children.  He is so faithful to lead and guide.  And now?  Now we cannot imagine it any other way.

Wherever you are tonight and whatever you are feeling, remind yourself of this fact, you are not alone and He has a plan, even if you cannot see or understand it now, He has a plan.

I am also overwhelmed right now that in a matter of weeks I will be meeting my children for the first time.  That's right, we received travel approval and very very soon we will be on a plane to Thailand!!

It has been a flurry of activity around here as we put the finishing touches on our kid's rooms and plan out our trip.  We have been busy purchasing tickets, booking hotel rooms, making gifts for our kid's foster mom, and putting away gifts from two wonderful showers that family and friends threw.


My heart can barely contain my excitement and will surely explode at some point from all the anticipation of finally meeting our sweet children.  I can only imagine how amazing it is going to be to look into their eyes and hear their voices, to see and get to know their personalities and interests.  Meeting them will be a moment I know I will never forget.

Nesting

Still no passports.  That's okay though because we are still on track to travel by the end of the year.  This week I am doing a much better job of not thinking that every email I receive might be from my adoption agency telling me that my kids have passports.  Part of the reason for that.....I am busy nesting!!!  My children are coming home and I have lots to do to get ready for them. 

The upstairs of my house is torn apart and almost nothing is in its rightful place!  The dear hubby and I are painting the kid's bedrooms, refinishing furniture, (If you have never tried chalk paint, I highly recommend it!), putting in ceiling fans, and doing lots or organizing.

Here is a before and after look at one of my projects.  This delightful dresser was purchased off of Craigslist for $25.00 and was my dresser for the past five years.  Not sure why I didn't paint this thing sooner!  Now it is ready for our little girl and is filled with adorable little girl's clothes!

Before

 

 A work in progress!



After! 

Secondly, though this may not be traditional nesting, it is part of my preparation.  My kids each weigh around 30 pounds, give or take five pounds.  You know how new moms and dads carry around newborns, how they hold them and affectionately keep them close?  Well, that's what I want to do with my kids.  The only problem is that they are not a little seven or eight pound buddle...and there are two of them! So, what are we doing to prepare?  Well today, we started back into an intense Jillian Michael's workout DVD in an effort to build some strength into these bodies of ours.  I know, I know, I should have started this months ago, but better late than never, right?!  And please don't tell me they are old enough to walk.  I will carry them around as long as they (and my arms) will let me!  Its good for attachment.

Today, is Thai Tuesday, and as I type, the adoption board is meeting in Bangkok.  Though I am no longer praying for our case to receive first approval, I am still praying for this meeting.  I have been blessed to get to know many other families on a similar journey to adopt from Thailand and some of them are still waiting for their first approval, and so tonight I am praying for them and that their cases would receive approval soon so that they can travel to bring their children home. 

And yes, we do still eat Thai food on Tuesdays! 

Penang Curry! A new recipe from one of Marc's cousins, who grew up in Thailand.

A Shower Invitation

Today, a dear friend of mine handed me a shower invitation.  I have been given lots of shower invitations over the years, but this invitation was different.  This invitation was for MY shower.  I got choked up just looking at.  I am going to have a shower, people are going to give me presents for my children.  I have children. 

As my eyes fill with tears, all I can think is, God is so faithful.  Even when we don't see Him working, He is.  He is working for our good and His glory.  If I could have had it my way, I would already have a couple of children running around my house.  I would have already had a baby shower or two to celebrate the children I was expecting.  But God. God in His infinite wisdom knew that I needed these two children on the other side of the world.  And He knew that they needed me. Its kind of crazy to sit back and think on the journey God has had me on, so very different then the journey I would have originally chosen, but now?  I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am so thankful that this is exactly where God has me, that I haven't had baby showers and that my bedrooms are not yet filled with children, because then we wouldn't be adopting our two precious children.

Infertility and the ache to be a mom have been heavy burdens to bear at times.  But God.  God is so gracious and, when I have let Him, He has carried these burdens for me.  He has walked with me through some hard times, comforted me when I have cried, healed my broken heart, and given me hope.

And now, He is giving me children.  Two precious children that I have yet to meet, but will get to meet so very soon!

Things are still moving forward and it looks like we are still on track to travel this year!! We received approval from immigration for our kids to become US citizens and we have uploaded all their information to the embassy in Bangkok.  Just a couple more little steps and we should be given dates for when we can travel to Thailand. Our kids need to get their passports, hopefully that will happen this week.  Once they have their passports, we have to file some paperwork for their visas and then we will get tentative travel dates.  There are two adoption board meetings in December.  One is on December 3rd and the other is on December 18th.  We hope to be at one of these....with our children!!

THE Thai Tuesday

If you have been following along on our adoption journey, you are well aware that we have been waiting for over a year now for something called first approval.  And you also know that we had hoped to have it by now.

I have been in touch with our adoption agency over the last week or so as they tried to figure out if we would be presented at the meeting taking place this week in Bangkok.  So, when I picked up my phone on Tuesday and saw that I had missed a phone call from our adoption agency, I just figured it was an update about whether we would be presented or not.  I finally connected with the director of the program on my way home from work and got some long expected, yet totally, unexpected news.

Tuesday was THE Thai Tuesday!! We got first approval!!  And while this was the Thai Tuesday we found out, we actually got approval a couple of weeks ago!  We can hardly believe it!!  After so long and too many days of wondering if it was ever going to happen, it HAS happened!! 

We got FIRST APPROVAL!!! 

What's next you wonder?

Article 16.  We need this piece of paper, which is a summary of how our children came to be placed for adoption, along with some of our kids' legal documents so we can file them with USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services).  This next step usually takes anywhere from 2-8 weeks.

Guess what?

Our article 16 and other needed documents came in the mail YESTERDAY!  And after frantically completing a TON of paperwork over the last couple of days, everything was sent back out today via Fed Ex to US immigration! 

Lots more little steps have to be completed over the next few months, but the end is in sight!!  And there is a very good chance that we will travel before Christmas!  Christmas!  We might be with our children before Christmas! I don't think there could be a better Christmas present than having my children in my arms.

Where Joy Comes From

I hate when I feel like my happiness is dependent on my circumstances.  When I let my happiness be determined by my circumstances.  These last couple of weeks have been long and I have really had to lean in heavily on the Lord.  Part of the whole point of this journey of life, right?  Most people who have been through difficult times will tell you that nothing makes you depend on the Lord and grow in your walk with Him like the hard times.  Most of us wouldn't choose the hard times, but God, in His love and mercy, uses the hard times to grow us closer to Him and to make us more dependent on Him.  I am so thankful that while my happiness can be easily affected, I have a deeper kind of happiness that remains, its called joy.  My happiness may ebb and flow, but joy is a constant, it stems from a deep sense of knowing that everything is going to be okay, that Someone is in control.

Sarah Young, in her devotional Jesus Calling, says, "Knowing [God] intimately is like having a private wellspring of joy within you. The spring flows freely from [God's] throne of grace, so your joy is independent of circumstances. Waiting on [God's] presence keeps you connected to [Him], aware of all that [He] offers you. If you feel any deficiency, you need to refocus your attention on [God]. This is how you trust [God] in the moments of your life."

Psalm 37:7 says, "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." Easier said than done sometimes. Be still before the Lord. And wait patiently for Him. In our society, we are all about making things happen.  Being still? This takes some serious discipline. 

Today, I want to find joy in Him. Regardless of my circumstances.  Regardless of whether my children are with me or not. Regardless of whether the adoption board grants us approval this week or not.  The joy of the LORD will be my strength.  I will keep fighting to keep my eyes on Him, to keep trusting, to stay closely connected to my wellspring of joy. I will be still in His presence.

Tuesday was indeed another Thai Tuesday around here.  We made "laap", or minced chicken salad, something we recently learned to make at a local Thai restaurant where we got to take a cooking class.  We are so grateful to have Thai people in our community who are willing to teach us and share their wonderful culture with us. 

THIS could have been the Thai Tuesday.....but I am trying not to focus so much on that and am instead trying to be still in a different way.  I am not sure that I can handle the disappointment if we do not get approval again, so I am trying not to get my hopes set on that, but rather to focus on being still in God's presence.  Because in God's presence and with Him, anything is possible, and most especially joy.