Hurry is Not in His Nature

This morning in my Jesus Calling devotional I read something that once again encouraged my heart. 

"I am working on your behalf.  Bring Me all your concerns, including your dreams.  Talk with Me about everything, letting the Light of My Presence shine on your hopes and plans.  Spend time allowing My Light to infuse your dreams with life, gradually transforming them into reality.  This is a very practical way of collaborating with Me.  I, the Creator of the universe, have designed to co-create with you.  Do not try to hurry this process.  If you want to work with Me, you have to accept My time frame.  Hurry is not in My nature.  Abraham and Sarah had to wait many years for the fulfillment of My promise, a son.  How their long wait intensified their enjoyment of this child!  Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses."

I first read this devotional in 2012.  Here is what I wrote then:

"Father, You do know my dreams, day after day I bring them to you....mostly my dream of being a forever mom, of having children.  There are times it feels like it is never going to happen.  It is hard that hurry is not in your nature.  I want Your timing, Your perfect plan, but my finite mind sometimes has a hard time accepting it.  No doubt our long wait will make us appreciate and enjoy our children in a whole different way."

Now, three years later, my two children are sleeping in the room next to mine.  My two children.  My dream of being a forever mom came true, not in my time or my way, but in His time and His way.  And do you know want?  His plans and His ways are so much better than mine.  There were many times I didn't feel like my dreams were ever going to come true, but they did! 

Whatever it is you are hoping for and waiting for this Christmas season, may I encourage you, even as I encourage myself, to run to the Creator, collaborate with Him.  He is working on your behalf.  

Mother's Day-God is Faithful

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" a voice called to me from the other room.  I rolled over and slowly woke myself up. "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" came the little voice again, this time slightly louder.

I got myself out of bed and walked into his bedroom.  He needed to ask me something about one of his other mothers, right then in the early morning hours of this my first mother's day.  We talked and then I crawled back in bed, my head and my heart filled with so many emotions.

Today is Mother's Day, my first mother's day.  A day that has been painful for me for many years, a day where I have felt the ache of empty arms.  My arms are empty no longer, and though I expected the pain of those years of longing to be a mom to somehow evaporate, some of that pain is still there.

Loss does not go away just because there has been a gain.  Sure, it makes it easier, but it doesn't make it go away.

This is true not just on my own journey, but on my children's as well.  They have gained a mother and a father, but in order for them to gain us, they had to first experience a tremendous loss, multiple losses in fact. I have heard that mother's day can be a difficult day for those who were adopted.  There can be many complicated emotions, because there are multiple mothers.

I cannot celebrate this mother's day without thinking of the precious woman who my children first knew as mommy.  She gave them the most precious gift a mother can give to her children, she gave them life.  Oh how I pray she always knows how much we love her and respect her for reaching out for help.  I hope her children, my children, will know how she provided for them in the way she felt she best could.  I hope that they will feel her love as I hope they will feel mine.

I went to church with an unexpected heavy heart on this my first mother's day.  I wasn't prepared for all these emotions.  Then we sang this song:

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

And I was overwhelmed by God's faithfulness.  I am a mom.  It was a long and painful journey.  There were scars and struggles on the way, but it is with joy that I can say, God is so faithful.  And then I realized this is my kids' story too.  They have had scars and struggles on the way, but oh how I want them to be able to stand and say, that they never walked alone.  How I pray one day they will be able to say, we were carried by God's constant grace and though there have been scars and struggles, that God was faithful to them.

Even when it doesn't feel like it, or we doubt that He is....He is faithful.  So today, as I sit in my backyard hammock, feeling full from an amazing Thai lunch my husband took me for and eating chocolates that my kids gave to me with smiling faces this morning, it is with a very full heart that I can say, "You are faithful, God, You are faithful!"

You Are Not Alone

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week.  I didn't get a chance to post this, but I thought I would go ahead anyway since for most people diagnosed with infertility, the realness of this disease lives on long after awareness week is over. 

Now I know there is a week or a day for everything and sometimes it gets old.  However, I could not let this opportunity pass by to say something about this very difficult topic one that, whether I want it to be or not, is close to my heart.

I will never forget the day I was handed a brochure at the doctor's office that said "Exploring Infertility".  I remember holding that brochure in my hand and staring at it. "Really?  Did you just give me that?  You are saying I am, we are, infertile?"  Somehow that little brochure and seeing it in writing made what the doctor had been saying all the more real. 

That first year of trying to have a baby, hope was very much alive as we kept telling ourselves it is just a matter of time.  The second year was especially difficult as it was full of intrusive tests and more doctors visits than I ever care to have again in my life. Those were hard years, years filled with many tears.  We didn't understand it.  Children are a blessing from the Lord, we had always heard.  Why aren't we being blessed, we asked ourselves. 

Growing up as one of ten children, in a church where having four children was considered a small family, infertility was not something I ever thought about.  I am not even sure I knew what it was.  I always assumed I would be able to get pregnant and have a baby.  Other people assumed that too. 

One of the things that I have learned on this journey is that making assumptions is not often a good idea. Do not assume you know why a couple is not having children and unless they are a really good friend, don't ask either. Don't assume you know God's will for your life or for someone else's.  Proverbs says, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."  This is difficult sometimes. We can plan all we want, but in the end fertility, or the lack thereof, is not something we have control over.  Sure, some people think they have control over it, but in reality, it is the Lord that does.

I know I will not completely understand the reasons for infertility this side of heaven, except that we live in a broken world, with broken bodies.  Infertility was not God's original plan. He said, be fruitful and multiply.  Sure God allows it, but it was not His plan.  Sure He uses it, but it was not His original design.  One of the things that I love so much about God, is how he uses bad for good, how He uses difficult for His glory.

I wish I had known how to reach out more during that difficult time.  Infertility is difficult to talk about for so many reasons, but like many difficult things in life, talking about it helps.  Knowing you are not alone helps.  It doesn't make the pain go away, but finding support means you have someone to go to when you are experiencing that pain.

The theme of this years National Infertility Awareness Week, was "You are not alone". Did you know that one in eight couples faces infertility? To anyone out there reading this, going through infertility, know you are not alone. May I encourage you to reach out, to share your story? RESOLVE is the national infertility association.  You can go to their website to find support groups in your area and resources that might be a support to you. To anyone out there not going through infertility, know that there are people in your life who are struggling with this.  Be sensitive to them, acknowledge the difficult path they walk. Help them know they are not alone.

Though I know the theme "you are not alone" was not meant to point people to God, but to others going through infertility.  The reality is that we are never alone, even when we may feel like we are, He is with us.  This song by Kari Jobe titled "I am Not Alone" is such an encouragement if you are feeling alone.

Three Months Home

Just three short months ago, on Christmas Eve morning, we were stepping off an airplane after 21 hours of total flight time.  We had known our kids just nine short days, but we were a family.  A family of four.  We ARE a family of four.  We have had so many milestones with our kids since coming home, so many firsts.  Our kids have been learning and reveling in all that it means to have a daddy and a mommy and we are learning and reveling in all that it means to BE mommy and daddy.

Our kids are a complete and absolute joy, and we cannot imagine life without them.  They are a ton of fun and brighten up our lives in so many ways.

I have heard that adoptive parents celebrate firsts, perhaps even more than parents of biological kids, mainly because we often miss a lot of firsts.  We have loved getting to see so many firsts over the last three months.

I may not have heard my children's first cries, or seen their first steps.  I didn't hear their first words or sing them their first song. I have no idea what their first food was or how old they were when they did any of these firsts, but I know that the firsts from the time they came into our family will be celebrated and remembered.

We had so many firsts before we ever left their country of birth.

We watched them go down a slide at a playground for the first time. Go swimming for the first time. Ride a horse. Eat pizza. Experience the zoo.  See the ocean. A dream of mine come true, to be at the beach with my kids. They rode an airplane for the first time and did amazing for that long flight, I might add.

Since coming home, we have had so many more firsts.  Their first ride in a carseat, that was definitely memorable and a bit of a rough time! Opening their first Christmas present. Seeing snow.  Playing in the snow. They have ridden a bike and a scooter for the first time.  Eaten their first ice-cream cone.  Gone to their first birthday party. Gone to church for the first time. Read the Bible for the first time.

Today, I watched as the things we have been talking about and reading in the Bible for the last three months all came together for my dear son and he experienced the biggest milestone yet.

It all started with a conversation about our "happy easter" sign hanging from the mantle. Which led to a long conversation about how we are all sinners, why Jesus died and how much He loves us. This was one of many similar conversations we have had recently.

Today was different though, as it all seemed to come together and he understood the Gospel story in a very real way. Today is a day of celebration in the Curley household, for not only is it three months home for us, it is the day our son realized and accepted all that good Friday and Easter Sunday mean for him.  Its hard to believe that three short months ago, He had never heard the name of Jesus and now He knows Him personally.

I didn't know that having my kids home could possibly get any sweeter, but today, on a Thai Tuesday no less, it did. And I have a feeling the sweet times are only going to get sweeter!

T is for Thailand

Probably the question I am asked most frequently about our kids is, "How is their English coming?"  It is coming, slowly but surely!  Slowly because we are speaking Thai in our house too so there has not been as much of a need for them to learn English.  Surely because we are being intentional to speak English with dad, read books, and learn new words every day. Their vocabulary is growing daily and I would guess that in a few more months they will be putting sentences together and much of what they now understand in English they will start using to communicate.

One of the ways we are being intentional in learning English is by studying a letter of the alphabet every week.  A great idea I got from my preschool teaching mom.  (Thanks mom!) We are not going in any certain order, rather we are studying the letters that interest the kids most or are the easier letters to write.

For each letter we study, we are enjoying finding pictures in the newspaper or flyers that start with our letter of the week.  The kids enjoy cutting them out and gluing them on a big letter. This week we are studying the letter "T". 

 

A fun letter as there are so many crafts and activities to do for the letter T.   So far this week, we have learned that T is for tiger, turtle, train, tree, telephone, television, toothbrush, toothpaste, and towel.

And traffic light

 

and truck!

 This afternoon, as I tucked the kids in for their nap, I was looking for books with turtles or tigers, trains or trucks in them to read, and I came across a book that reminded me that T is for Thailand. 

T is for Thailand

I know it may seem kind of silly to you, but this brought a big smile to our faces and a wave of emotions washed over me. A few short months ago, I was in Thailand, just getting to know my children, watching them experience the ocean and  many other things for the first time.  Thailand, the country of my children's birth. 

I love this country.  Sometimes it feels so far away, this place I once called home.  Sometimes I feel homesick for this place.  Homesick for the people, the smells, the sounds, the tastes, the smiles.  I know that my kids feel the same way at times.  Though we know they want to be here, we can tell by the way they devour their fried rice, or sit glued to a movie in Thai, or look at pictures from years past, that they too sometimes miss this country they once called home. 

Our son wants to know why people here don't speak Thai and why everyone speaks English.  As I explain to him that we are in America now and most people here only speak English, I realize just how far away we are. 

My kids, they will learn English, but I sure hope they can keep their Thai too, even if it takes them a lot longer to learn English, its one more piece of home that they have. So this week, while we study the letter T, we will most certainly be remembering and talking about the fact that T is for Thailand.

The Everyday

As I sit down on the couch to have devotions while my children are napping, I first pick up a couple of crayons off the couch and clear a spot for my afternoon cup of coffee on the coffee table.  I lean back onto a wooden knife and kiwi and I smile.  I have children.

I take a shower and I hear little voices calling, "Mommy".  I would love five minutes of peace to shower, but the years it took me to get to this place, instead, make me smile.  I have children.

I sit down to eat lunch and there is a smiling face next to me and another across from me. I forgot their water cups and the napkin holder is empty.  Someone spills their drink and the dog needs to go outside.  This is my new "lunch".  It is beautiful to me. Yes, I remind myself, it is beautiful.  I have children.

She puts on a frilly dress and she spins and twirls.  She wants to be in my arms as I am trying to make dinner.  Why do I wish she would go play?  I scoop her up and remind my heart to treasure these moments, I have a daughter.

For every explanation there seems to be another "why".  He is so inquisitive and his little mind is soaking up every new piece of information and experience that comes his way and he must know why.  Why do I sometimes wish he would stop asking why?  I look to his dad for an answer and offer this sweet boy yet another explanation, for I have a son.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of the beauty in the everyday, for even though I waited a long time for these moments, it is still too easy to take them for granted.  I so want to treasure every precious moment God gives me with my children, even the everyday ordinary moments.  These moments are opportunities for praise. I have children.  I haven't forgotten the pain and ache of the wait, the longing and the wondering.  Now they are home, in my home, and all I can say is, "Thank you Jesus. Thank you for the everyday".

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" ~James 1:17

Target

Today, I went to Target WITH my children. This was actually our second trip, but my first with just the kids and it definitely made me reflective.  Its the little things sometimes, you know?

I use to drive over to Target on lunch breaks or after work and walk around day dreaming about my children being home.  I would hold up clothes and wonder what size they would be in, walk down the toy aisles and wonder what their interests would be and what they would enjoy playing with.

I often had an ache in my heart as I walked around that store. I would see moms talking softly to their babies (or even loudly to their toddler!) and my heart would ache because my babies were on the other side of the world.  

Not today.  My babies were in the shopping cart right there with me and my heart was full. And the wondering?  The wondering is over!!  I know what size my little munchkins are and I know what their interests are and what they like to play with.

Is it more work to get two kids in and out of car seats?  Of course.  Did it take me twice as long to get the things on my list?  Yes.  Did I buy more things that were not on my list than things that were on it?  Sure did, but I did that before kids too! 

I hope my kids always know how longed for and loved they were and are. For years before we ever knew about them, we longed for them.  During those years of waiting, God was preparing our hearts, home, and lives for them.  In a way only He can, He was working out a plan to bring us together.  He always has a plan our God does.  It is strange and mysterious and even painful at times, but He has a plan.  This is a hope that I will always hold on to, He has plans to give us, you and me, a hope and a future.

Christmas Still

Friday, January 9th.  January 9th already?  Most have taken down their Christmas trees and have returned to life as normal.  Life as normal? What is normal life?  May I just tell you that I am loving my new normal life?!

My Christmas tree is most certainly NOT taken down, nor are any of my other Christmas decorations.  It is still very much Christmas around here, most especially in my heart.  I don't ever want this season to end, the awe and wonder I feel just sitting here looking at my tree with the toy nativity set under it.  My children are home.  My eyes are full of tears.  I have waited a long time for this Christmas, for these moments of being a mom, and I am going to keep soaking it all in, even if my tree is still up come February!


The view from where I sit.

There has been something magical about coming home with our children this time of year, during the season we celebrate Jesus' birth.  Our children's very first day in our house was Christmas.  The very first story we read to them here, was the Christmas story.  Marc read and I acted it out with our toy nativity set and explained in Thai.  All of the books in the downstairs of our home are Christmas books, many of them with the story of Jesus' birth in them, so the kids keep bringing them to me to look at and read with them.  Yes, yes, I will stop what I am doing and tell you again about Jesus' birth and how much He loves you.  Oh how I have waited and longed for these moments.

A few of the children's Christmas books that I love!

They had never opened presents before so that was a fun first.  They figured it out pretty quickly! We made a turkey on Christmas day and the kids loved it, of course they ate it with rice!  A dear friend dropped off a cake and candles so we could sing happy birthday to Jesus and after some discussion over who should blow out the candles, we all blew together.

Together, together at last. For those of you who are still waiting, hang in there and hold on to hope.  The dream of having children really can and does come true. 

Yesterday, while I was cleaning up the kitchen, I heard a soft song coming from the other room, my dear son was singing God is So Good, with his own sweet pronunciations of the words.  God is so good.  The first time I sung this to them, I couldn't get through the song.  God is so good-a truth that I hope my children will always cling to, no matter what their struggles are in life, this is a truth that I hope sinks deep down inside of them and that they will always believe.

For those of you who are wondering, things are going amazingly well.  Marc and I are simply amazed at how well our children have transitioned and are adjusting to life with us.  Sure, we have some difficult moments here and there, but overall we could not ask for things to be going any better.  The kids are playing hard, sleeping plenty, eating well, cuddling lots, learning new things and smiling and laughing constantly.  They are loving all their new toys-baby dolls and cars, Duplos and dishes, crayons and stickers, and their rooms.  I will have to post finished pictures of their rooms at some point, it has been fun watching them explore!